I guess it is pretty much over. History paper was a flop. Didn’t expect it to be so bad. But then, who’s to blame?! No one but my silly old self. Simply put, I landed myself in this mess. I studied all the wrong topics and all the topics I didn’t study came out. What was I to do but blabber my way through the paper.

Ever had that feeling where you’re so frustrated you want to cry yet at the same time you don’t want to cry for some unfounded reason? Well, there you go. That’s pretty much how I feel. It is at times like this that I don’t want to try for JC. No point really explaining myself. I’ve ridden this train of thoughts so many times that it makes me sick.

In the exam hall I glided through the questions. No panicky feelings overwhelmed me. Rather, a peace that is indescribable filled me. However, before you say to yourself ‘Oh, that’s good! Amy felt peaceful.((:‘, let me explain the ideas this ‘peace‘ put in this shrivelled up mind of mine. This voice inside me said, ‘Why panic? You’re gonna do badly anyway. Look at your paper! It’s humanities, my dear girl. Since when have you ever done well? Come on. Don’t need to kid yourself. You’ve never done well in humanities. Just finish writing your candy-floss answer and chill.’ Yes. So my paper really puked. I really died in my mind. What to do? move on and maybe, just maybe, I might come to a decision today.

 Let’s look at this the bright side: HISTORY IS OVER!!!! big time. haha. Yes, that is good. But you know what? I still feel God is with me. Even if this paper was a flop and made my stomach flip. haha. He was with me all through the paper. And that ‘peace‘? That was God keeping me safe in the storm. Now you ask, ‘then where was that voice inside of you from?’ Well my dear friend, that was me. That was my pride. Ironic it may seem. But that was my pride trying to pry my attention of the peace away from the real giver to saying the peace was made by my incompetence. Maybe you don’t quite get me.

 And yes, just like the song I was singing before I left home for the exams,

I don’t know
About tomorrow
I just live from day to day
And I don’t borrow from its sunshine
For its skies may turn to gray
And I don’t worry about my future
For I know what Jesus said
And today He walks beside me
For He knows what lies ahead
Many things about tomorrow
I don’t seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand’

I guess that’s it really. Regardless of what the world throws at me I must continues to ‘fix myeyes upon Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith, who for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat at the right hand of God.’ Hebrews 12:2.

 Love loads,

amyruth.((:

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