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❤ amyruth.

Just back from baracuda practice. Supposed to be having my shower as Ter instructed. haha. But just not yet. And yes, I ended this week on a high with BB practice. We ran through all the songs a few times and did a couple more. I actually do know the songs. Just gotta force myself to concentrate. Now I know how to feel it all. You just know when to transit and all.

2 more projects left and HS idol next week. Plus a string of practicals and tests. Really need to concentrate and use all the time I have. Especially for MIC.

Taken tomorrow morning off so I can get the necessary work done and buy my clothes for HS idol in the afternoon. WHAT IS SEMI-FORMAL? Haha. I haven’t much of a clue.

Okay! Bath time!! Woohoo. Haha.

 ((:amyruth.

I am really really fed up to the max. Why is it that I have to work with people who do not care one teeny weeny bit about what they are doing?! Why is it that they are so spoilt?! Just think about the things I have given up for this. Why can’t you give up one stupid thing?! I find the more I sacrifice the more I don’t get, the more frustrated I get. Now all I can do is just cry because no one seems to care. No one asks me how I am doing. No one actually cares about the stuff I sacrifice for my responsibilities. Is it so hard to care? Right now I am mighty angry with HS and all that stupid stuff. It irrtates me to the core and makes me cry really hard. I am choking on glitter for the CITS project, tired of all the preperations and upset with it all. WHY DO I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT DOING A GOOD JOB OF THE THINGS I HAVE TAKEN RESPONSIBILITY OF???!!!

 No one else seems to care. You keep saying you can’t make it. But seriously, do you even make an effort?! I waste my msgs on you, my time, my energy and now my tears. And why on earth do you care?! You don’t cos you’re just childish and a spoilt brat.

I don’t need you to notice it and blast it to the world. But why can’t you care a bit too and reciprocate. I accomadate you, can’t you do it sometimes? It’s not even for me! It’s for the work we have to do. It’s like a one-sided relationship, I ain’t getting anything!

You know what? I give up on you. I know better next time who to work with and who not to work with. Let’s just hope you grow up soon – real soon.

God, please help me. It is really hard now. Thank you for friends that listen to me. Help me to turn to you first automatically. I’m sorry. Lord, please give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference. Give me strength and patience and help me to help them. I love you, Lord!

 ❤ amyruth.

ps. I typed this in fury and then edited, thus the lines.

  1. Inadequate
  2. Unsure
  3. Confused
  4. Hurt
  5. Heavyladen
  6. Tired
  7. Responsible
  8. Unfocused
  9. Yearning
  10. Searching

That is what my pot hold of feelings consist of. Plus a mighty sore throat. I want to hear God speak to me. I want to let all this stuff inside of me pour out into his huge hands. Yet there is something that just wants to keep this stuff and fight it out. I shall list all this stuff in as much detail as I can. I may be talking about you or not. Take no offence. It just has to come out.

Work:

The projects are tedious and mighty boring. I don’t have time for this stuff yet I have to scrape up the smallest amount of time possible to do them. Thank God they are group projects. I am not studying enough. I need to score. I need to work. QUICK.

Peer tutoring:

It is here that I feel mighty responsible for my tutees and totally inadequate as well. Yesterday’s session, to me, was a flop. They didn’t seem to respond and I wonder if they learnt anything. But I don’t wanna lecture them about asking questions. JUST ASK!! PLEASE.

Baracuda:

It is a real time consumer. And what do I feel? I feel I can’t take a break from it to concentrate on my studies. I’d feel as if I failed them. We have performances every week now and practices twice a week. I need to take a break. Really – a break.

HS idol:

No, it isn’t alot of work. But again, it is a responsibility that I cannot back out of. It just lays heavily on my heart.

and You:

I’ve talked about you enough. And to think I will have to see you more often now. It has become such a muddle that trying to explain to my friends seems a headache. Theres just so much that is confusing. Not explained. I don’t wanna talk about this topic. I just don’t know how to.

Dear God, for all the times I have failed to rely on you, I am sorry. I feel I have failed both you and myself. I said I would trust you with everything. help me to do that now. I need you so much it hurts real bad. I know I can’t chuck everything at you and ask you to solve it as powerful as you are. But help me please? Not just to give it up to you, but to focus on you and follow you as you teach me. I want that pure and holy passion. I need it. Thank you that you are way bigger than my problems and all. Even if I and my friends can’t solve all this with all our strength, I know you can – single handedly. I LOVE YOU GOD. I love you I love you I love you.

<3amyruth

thank you for my friends who are always there.

I am really angry with myself. Here people are trying to help me forget the past. But why is it that I just can’t seem to do it?

On one hand I just want to forget about the friendship we even had. On the other hand I want it to stay and blossom.

On one hand I want you to talk to me. On the other hand I just want you to shut up and disappear.

On one hand I want to run up to you and tell you just how much you mean to me and that I’ll never be able to let you go. On the other hand I just want to run up to you, slap you real hard and scream in your face.

You’ve made a fool out of me. I’ve lost myself in it all. And now? You’ve walked off and left me to pick up the pieces.

Go on… scream it in my face. Tell me I am a shameful mess that should just leave you alone and keep my trash to myself.

I thought, I just thought you felt something. I guess I was wrong.

amyruth.

I suddenly want to learn bass guitar. But then again, I guess I should improve the acoustic and piano first.

Went over to st. marg’s after school and lunch at kap with mel and company from MI. It was good to be back but it was a tad bit too quiet for my liking. I did not see most of the people I wanted to but oh well, I guess it’ll have to wait. After collecting my gown and a couple of other things, mel and I headed over to island creamery where I gave her a treat. Why on earth am I feeling so generous these days? But I know I must constantly remind myself to watch how I spend my money. Or before I know it, it’ll be gone. And I will be a terribly unhappy girl.

I am filled with mixed emotion about speech day. It’s next friday. On one hand I am really looking forward to it and am filled with immeasurable anticipation. On the other hand, I don’t want it to pass so fast. It will be my last speech day after 4 consecutive years. This time I get to wear the coveted gown [pictures next time] and see my star on the wall. I saw it today… it took my breath away. I know it sounds dramatic, but serious, I never expected God to bless me so much. Looking back, and looking forward, all I want to do is use this gift. I have the opportunity as a peer tutor for Anatomy and Physiology in school. 11 pupils under me. I’m serious, as cliche as it sounds, I want to give them all I’ve got. Just want to. No strings attached.

That’s all my thoughts in my little head for now.

❤ amyruth.

I’m just a little girl who wants to change the world.

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This is how i feel right now. We were so close, we are physically close but yet… the distance just seems phenomenal. I was pulled off the shelf for inspection and then put back after you found someone else to inspect. What am I to you? Who am I to you?

This is one fantastic reason why I just never see the point of getting attached. They just don’t get it.

❤ amyruth.

– Mum’s sick. She says she can’t get up. I know my brother’s getting hungry. I must go to the village to ask for some feed. Would you help me?
– Sure, Connie, I’ll help you.
– I’ll always be good when you with me.
– You’re my friend, Connie.
– Are you always gonna be there when I grow up?
– Cross my heart.

Don’t you forget about me?
Don’t you forget about me?
We were soft and young
In a world of innocence

Don’t you forget about me?
Don’t you forget our dreams?
Now you’ve gone away
Only emptiness remains

I was just looking at the photos of Tiger Woods and his baby girl. The way he looks at her leaves me speechless. Its sort of adoring, amazement and yet filled with this determination to protect and just hold her. He may look all toughed up on the green but when it comes to that little bundle, he looks all soft and suddenly this very different side of him appears. I guess this does happen to all of us to some degree.

capt08f01b24f89843998c9c5043b9a39d6ctigers_baby_golf_ny150.jpg

Some times we just do not realise how much we mean to our parents. We may have our odd or, for some, very often tiffs with them and seem to get lost in seperate hurricanes bent on destroying eachother but in reality they’ve stuck it out and gone further for us because they love us. Hard to believe? Just look back at the times when things were better. When you laughed with your parents. When they gave you something which meant/means alot to you. When they told or showed you that they love you. Don’t get caught up in the ‘now’, look at the ‘then’. It might just help. Then ask yourself: ‘Looking back, didn’t I love them too? Didn’t I want to make them proud? Don’t I still want to do that?’

I do not get why we, as humans, find it so hard to say sorry. So hard to be the FIRST to say sorry. Do we feel a sense of shame if we say sorry first? If that is the case, then evidently our pride is on the wrong shelf. There is never a tiff, a misunderstanding, an arguement, an insult or anything else, that is the entire fault of one party. When in any of the above situations or other there is something that we have done wrong. No matter how big, small or minute it is compared to the other person’s wrongs, we have the responsibility to lay it all down in front of them and apologise for what we have done wrong. Maybe all you did was ignore them and they blew the whole thing up and you did nothing to stop it. Then you have something to apologise about. Maybe you were pretty much in the wrong. All the more you should apologise. If anything, apologising should gain the person’s respect and prompt them to apologise to you. Of course, the way you apologise is vital as well. If you’re gonna apologise just so you can get something of selfish gain and you use mannerisms that aren’t particularly edifying, then be thoroughly prepared that the other person will not respond in the way you’d like.

 Just one last thought: If people don’t expect you to apologise, and you don’t like doing what people expect you to do, then why don’t you apologise? Show them you’re civilised, mature and well mannered. You won’t lose anything. Trust me.

 ❤ amyruth.

Exodus 20:12 Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.

It has been really long since I have updated my blog. Liz pointed that out last night. Alot of things have happened so far. Mrs L. passed away at the end of last week. She was my art teacher for almost 3 years right through my N’s and O’s. She used to scold us as if the world was about to end. She would insult us as if she was made for it. Even I got really tired of it and fed up with the phenomenal amount of time I had to spend on art. It’s sort of not sunk in that she’s gone. And to think that the other day I went by school and wanted to go and see her in the art room and smell the wax all over again. I miss those days like mad that I might just cry. I just wanna go back to being a little girl in St. marg’s all over again and really relish the days. I miss the people and everything. URGH.

I’m tired of all the things I have to do in school. The projects, the essays, the commitments to HS and to some extent the things for BB. I really need to learn to draw my strength from the right source. Pray I learn to rely on Him more.

❤ amyruth.

I crave for sudoku, kakuro paired with ligo raisins from M’sia.