You are currently browsing the monthly archive for June 2008.

I don’t know exactly what I’ve found.

What do you do when you start to doubt God? I cannot remember the last time I doubted God. Maybe I never really did and this is the first time. Doesn’t make it any more excusable. This time the devil really trapped me with all his sparkle and frills. I never thought I’d be one to get trapped so easily in what this world has to offer. But that was exactly where it all started. Thinking I was enough for myself. God is more than enough for all of us. When we yearn for more and think we can fulfill that yearning by ourselves without even coming to God, greedy – lustful greed, takes a very firm hold of us. No matter how strong our faith may have been, once greed is in, we fall. Some will realise it in an instant and yell for help, clawing at the wall of the pit they are falling into. Others will be a bit slower (maybe by ignorance or pride) and won’t realise what exactly we are in until we hit rock bottom. The latter is what happened to me.

Prayer became a list of things for God to do for me. If He didn’t fulfill it I didn’t really care.

Singing his praises was just vocal training and getting happy with my voice.

Religious talk became an excuse to flaunt my knowledge and frilly English.

I thought I was fantastic. I could stand anything, I could toughen up for anything that came my way. The phrase I used too often was “i’m fine, really”. I wasn’t and my pile of stuff called pride was blocking my view of me in the mirror. I couldn’t see the wreck that I was.

I cannot say that I have suddenly lept a million rungs on the ladder leading me into the holies of holies and making me all righteous. No I haven’t. I still doubt and even when God challenged me yesterday in church I am still not quite there.

So all I am left with is this:

God, forgive me and help my unbelief. You have never failed me even though I have failed you more than I can count. You have been faithful through all ages and if that is not convincing enough than I am not fit enough to be your servant. Please help me to keep my eyes on you. In all I do may I truly find you guiding me. May I learn to be more like you with each passing day and may all I do point solely to you that when others see me, they see you.

O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s a light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there;
Over us sin no more hath dominion—
For more than conquerors we are!

His Word shall not fail you—He promised;
Believe Him, and all will be well:
Then go to a world that is dying,
His perfect salvation to tell!

amyruth.xxoo

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okay. so stephen tagged me a whole month ago. haha. and i just read his entry. sorry, been rather preoccupied. and yes, i used to check your blog religiously. haha. well, here it is:

8 Things I’m Passionate About

  • My Jesus
  • Family
  • Friends 
  • Music 
  • The medical field 
  • Going mad
  • The stillness
  • Good long hugs

8 Things I Said Too Often

  • Er
  • Idiot 
  • Whatever 
  • Seriously
  • Yup
  • Hohum 
  • Please
  • Me

8 Books I Read Recently

  • Bible 
  • Passion and Purity
  • Purple Hibiscus
  • Books related to school

8 Songs I Could Listen Over and Over Again

  • Indescribable – Chris Tomlin 
  • Love song for #1 – Corrinne May
  • Shelter – Corrinne May 
  • Little superhero girl – Corrinne may
  • Warrior is a child – Gary Valenciano
  • Be still my soul – The kry

8 Things I’ve Learnt in the Past Year

  • You never know what you had till it is gone
  • Never go against what you believe
  • Better safe than sorry
  • Don’t trust yourself too much
  • Listen and act; not just listen
  • Watch your back and decide for yourself – no one’s gonna do it for you
  • Somethings seem good on the surface but are rotting underneath
  • Exercise is the best remedy for pain

8 People I Tag

  • Prisca
  • Faiz
  • …ok so I don’t know who else reads my blog and has their own that I’d like to tag.

yea.guess that’s it folks.

friend: does it hurt?

❤ broken girl: yea.

friend: where does it hurt?

❤ broken girl: everywhere.

friend: maybe it hurts for a reason.

it never stopped, it hasn’t and it’s likely never to.

let the picutres do the talking.

 

so holding a placenta is way hot. loves better than you.

well, im back. had a fantastic short holiday. spent it with the family i loved. escaped from this place momentarily.

yea. i escaped. then i had to come back. don’t get me wrong. i did want to come back. to my friends, the laughter, the ambitions i might still have. but there’s this mess inside of me. and it’s been there. momentarily it was dusted under the carpet as the sun shone in my life while i was in the UK. now it’s back. and it doesn’t seem to go. it eats into me. i feel it. when will it ever let me go. without lifting a finger you’re holding me back. it shouldn’t be the case. looking at the situation from the eyes of an onlooker, i am “better off without you”. maybe so. but my body thinks otherwise.

why do i even bother moping about you? get off my back and just leave me alone! i never asked you to come back, never asked you to follow, never asked you for anything you didn’t want. so just go away. leave me be my miserable self.

oh but i’d love to relive those moments. stupid as some of them may be. i would. but i can’t. it won’t let me. because it knows that at the end of the day, i’ll be more pathetic than before cos everything i hinge on that you have given me was like a helium balloon. oh so pretty, but so cunning. it shrinks with age, is just filled with air, and that air makes you/me who we are not. give me enough and i’ll float with it all over the place. but will it ever bring me back to where i began? where the word satisfaction actually existed? no. because it’s just a whim. it follows the wind and doesn’t care two hoots about the heart on whose strings it is pulling at. then as quickly as it flew, as quickly it is gone and i drop. a long long way down. nothing breaks that fall.

and all that? a slip of the tongue? i am here. lots to do, lots to do and so little time. so KKH here i come! Kunming here i come! and if i may? F1? haha.

whimsical.

“i have decided to stick with love. hate is too great a burden to bear.”

I am zonked. Like seriously zonked. Only slept for an hour last night.

For those who are relatively back dated on my life, well, I’ve been in St. John’s Island for LWMC youth camp. HOT HOT HOT. Brings back many memories – the island and all it holds. Truth being told I was really apprehensive about going to camp. I woke up late and had 5 minutes to get myself together before being rushed out of the house. I was grumpy, tired, felt like crap and just didn’t want to have to sleep in some grimmy bunk. Decided to suck it up and when I got there, it was just WOW. haha. okay, so I am a bit over dramatic. The main climax was the second day which was when I decided to lose myself, or as Kenneth says “become shameless”, and just get high. I had spent too much time moping around about certain things that seriously don’t matter anymore. I should be solely focused on God. When that is accomplished the rest will fall nicely into place for my life according to his will. So I decided to say ‘hi’ more, smile more, scream more and just go all out and enjoy myself. This method proved to be real good as I have built friendships that I think (and know to a certain degree) will last for a long long time to come. So despite the bashes and scrapped knee plus the ultra bad bug in my throat which has made me sound like a guy, I have had the best youth camp I have ever ever been for. Thanks to everyone.(((: It was real way way way so cool. Promise: will post pictures up as soon as I can get my paws on them.

So, I am heading to bed after a nice shower. Why so early? Cos I am soaring high tomorrow morning. Yea, I am going to the UK for 2 weeks. Shiok shiok shiok. Nice break. And yes, I will bring loads of stuff back for everyone I can remember. OH YEA!!!!! hahahha.

I am THE happy girl.((((:

I have no words to offer,
They simply get in the way,
When I try to explain You,
There’s nothing sacred left to say
You are who You are,
And You always will be,
So here is my prayer-

Let them hear You through me,
Let Your words be mine.
Let them see that Your love
Is the reason I’m inspired,
And when given the choice,
May they recognize Your voice.
Let them hear You through me, O Lord.

I don’t have all the answers,
All I know is what You’ve shown,
And I’m longing for those moments
When You’ll make your mysteries known.
Til then, I will be,
Who You’ve call me to be,
So again, hear my prayer-

Let them hear You through me,
Let Your words be mine.
Let them see that Your love
Is the reason I’m inspired,
And when given the choice,
May they recognize Your voice.
Let them hear You through me, O Lord.

…and may I always know
that words are not enough…

amyruth.xxoo

What does that mean to you? Loneliness.

There are days when being alone is the best thing in the world. You can be happy by yourself and jump around. You don’t have to worry about what others think or see cos there are no others. You can concentrate on what matters so so much and not be distracted. You don’t have the pressure to talk or keep up an image in any relationship.

There are days when it’ll kill you and you see no end to it. Loneliness. There will be days when you’ll want someone to be there with you at that very moment and just cradle you in their arms. Comfort you with their smell, smile, eyes and just make you smile.You don’t expect much but you absorb it all like a sponge cos you crave and long for that companionship.

Why do have pride to mask us and make us who we know we aren’t at that point in time? Is it being selfish or selfless to just withstand and endure the loneliness? I don’t know. I really don’t.

But I know this. If God placed loneliness and longing in my heart, He’ll fulfill it all in his own time.

xxoo

A few quotes from PS I love you speaking on being alone.

I bet you’ve had a hard time walking into a room full of people on your own, right? Yeah. I know that. I know what it is not to feel like your in the room until he looks at you or touches your hand or even makes a joke at your expense, just to let everyone know… you’re with him. You’re his.

 

So now, alone or not, you’ve got a walk ahead. Thing to remember is if we’re all alone, then we’re all together in that too.

 

I’m so angry I could kill somebody. I’m alone, and it doesn’t matter what job I have or what I do or what I don’t do or what friends I have, he’s not here. I mean you’re alone no matter what.

 

Sad isn’t it?

Mirror image.