it’s been a year. what should I say? “oh boy, time does fly by.” “it doesn’t seem like a year!” “where has the time gone?!”

I never posted it here so I shall just put it up without the link.

all i ever wanted.

November 10, 2007

i give up. i have to let it all out now. there’s no way i’m keeping it. so much has happened. so many questions. so many thoughts.

gramps left almost 2 weeks ago. peacefully in his sleep. half way around the world. i haven’t really cried about it yet. it’s all inside. do you have any idea just how much it sucks to be so far away from all of this? mummy went over a few days before he left. daddy left about a week ago. i hate being stuck here. when people i love are over there hurting and i dont have a chance to be there. it sucks. it hurts. i just can’t describe it.

and yet i can’t cry about it. i don’t dare cry in front of others. or maybe i don’t want to. you tell me. am i becoming heartless? proud?

he never ate hot toast. he let it cool on his napkin ring. he bought flowers for granny in secret and she called him ‘naughty gramps’. he poked and showed us things on walks with his walking stick. he was ultra neat and organized. he was patient and told me where i had gone wrong in varnishing the photo frames. he only wore one signet ring on his little finger and always wore a sweater over his checkered shirts. i remember holding his hands on our walks. it was always so gentle. and how he would fall asleep in front of the tv and suddenly open his eyes when we all looked at him. the tea he always had with one teaspoon of honey. his ginger marmalade. how he didn’t like chocolate cake!! haha.

and now? i don’t know. how do you keep memories and leave it at that? is that all? is that seriously all we can do?

the way he used to say hello on the phone. i remember it. it rings in my ears even now.

i wanted to be there. that’s all i wanted.

so that’s it I guess. a year today.