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amyruth.xxoo

200398456-001Haven’t been really good at doing all the things I planned to do this holiday. Haven’t run as well and as much as I should. Clocked a time of about 1 hour for 8km. 2 more to go so hopefully I can do ten within the next 2 weeks below 1.25 hours. And I’ve put on a few more kilos. Absolutely depressing though I have been convinced that it’s muscle mass. Given up the idea of intentionally losing weight. Who cares if no one can carry me. It’s muscle!!! ((:

Haven’t been well disciplined about spending time reading and praying. I think (ironically) it will be easier to do this stuff within the next 3 weeks on top of my clinical attachment at SGH. Girls will be busy with the CA and boys will be in camp so I will have only myself to hang out with. Sad but so real.

I’m not gonna write anymore here. Need some private time so shall go to my other blog which no one else knows about!!(((: So secretive and exciting!! haha. I know, I’m getting silly here.

bye bye.

amyruth.xxoo

jesuschildren-08I want to write something here but I just don’t know what to write. Or maybe how to write?

Rev. Barnabas asked us today if we had a best friend (directed at those who are single) and I just said no. Without hesitation, without awkwardness or any emotion whatsoever. I think I’ve done a post like this before. I don’t have a best friend. But then again, what is a best friend? What is a good friend? Maybe I just have friends and some are closer than others. You know how we always say that a friend is someone who will listen to us, offer advice, a shoulder, a gentle shove…etc. Truth being told I think that’s what a primary school kid wants. I want someone who will confide in me as much as I would confide in him/her. I trust easily (good of bad, you decide) and sometimes I yearn for that person to do the same for me. For them to come to me when they’re in need and pour out their hearts. I want to listen too. But I find so many of my friendships are only deep on one end – mine. So I’ve learned to back off. I’ll probe a few times, nudge you with my elbow, bombard you with just-asking- questions, but if you won’t talk without being asked then I’ll just leave. You’ll be but a mere acquaintance. Maybe it’s better that way?

Sometimes this leaves me at night lying on my bed crying out to God for an earthly companion in whom I may confide and find solace. Yes, I do talk to myself and try to reason with myself but to hear a voice other than my own… I’d listen so intently. Before I used to have a friend and I could just message her/him whenever something was troubling me. Be it a sleepless night, troubling thoughts, stress-laden school or even to just rejoice in a beautiful day! That’s the highlight. Many times I’ve left home and headed to school to be greeted by the clear blue sky, melodious birds, cool wind, feathery clouds and I stand in awe and worship God in the middle of the road. A part of me just wants to message a close friend and ask them to look out at the sky and rejoice with me. But there isn’t anyone. So I end up smiling like a lunatic and walking to the bus stop. But I’ve already been disappointed.

Oh, to have a friend in whom all matters could be addressed with ease. God, family, friends, life, troubles, joys, trivialities of human living…we’d talk for hours and cover all topics possible! I could be serious and in deep thought about my spiritual walk with God and His calling in my life and silly to no end at another. All with the same person. AND THEY COULD DO THE SAME WITH ME!!! In essence: I yearn for someone who will need/feel/love/want/search for me the way I do for them.

And maybe it sounds selfish so we place it under the long list of taboos. But I’m tired of taboos. We’re so aware and cautious of them that we’ve become these cold polite blocks of wood that don’t know the art of being direct and honest both with ourselves and others. So it’s supposed to be a balance of truth and grace and God forbid we ever lose our grace when we practice truth. Let us not trivialize either!

Oh God, that I may truly believe with every fiber of my body and soul that you are more than enough for me and no best/good friend could ever do what you have and will do for me. I need you Lord.

This world is empty, pale and poor compared to knowing you my Lord. Lead me on and I will run after you.

Psalm 121 & 1 Corinthians 12: 1-10((:

amyruth.xxoo

200326309-001and pick me up.

Well, these past 2 weeks have been fantastic for me. Probably one of the best holidays I have ever had. Relaxing is the word. I’ve had time to read and read and read. Not just any fluffy fiction books but books about missionaries. Women in particular. Then I have had time with friends, time to exercise, eat and rest well. The highlight has been memorizing scripture. I have decided to commit scripture to memory. It is rather hard since my memory isn’t as good as most people but when I get it this indescribable strength seems to fill me. It’s like I know that I am more prepared for battle. More training to come! Ephesians 6: 10-20.

Just pray that I keep this eager hunger up and the discipline to feed it good food when the holidays end and the “normal” humdrum of life resumes.

amyruth.xxoo

ps. I’ve designed 8 tee-shirts in the past 3 days!((((:

84549396One can cry with tears
Only then we know he is hurt
But is there any way to find
The pain of those
Who are in pain?
Without tears in their eyes?

The pain, hurt, anger, distrust is there. It’s been there for years. For as long as I think such things became aware to me. I don’t talk about it and I don’t think I ever will. I daren’t. It would be the opening of old wounds. It’s not that I would be lost without these emotions and nightmares at times but it’s more that I don’t know how to give it to God. I’d love to be relieved of this burden, but it’s so lost in me I can’t seem to hand it over.

So I just swung on the swing while singing and looked over my shoulder at the empty swing next to me. Will it ever be filled? Maybe it already is. Maybe it was.

amyruth.xxoo

cheesemuffinsSo I’ve been spending my holidays doing things I really enjoy. I sleep, eat, excercise once in a while, lie in the sun, shop, go out with friends but best of all I bake!! Back to my favourite past time. ((:

Only done 2 things so far this holiday. Apple spice cake and today, Cheddar Cheese Muffins. I’d love to try something with chocolate but Becca and David are fasting from chocolate this lent so I’m trying not to do food containing chocolate. Maybe cranberry and cream cheese muffins? Eclairs (without chocolate?)? Cream puffs?  Apple pie? Apple strudel? Pumpkin pie… carrot cake. And when lent is over I will tackle the absolutely tantalizing Chocolate Mousse.  And of course there’s the coveted La Bete Noire!

I will eventually get down to biscuits. Cookies are a breeze but biscuits? Quite another recipe to wrestle. The texture, consistency, thickness… easier said than done!

Oh well, I’m done blogging.

amyruth.xxoo