jesuschildren-08I want to write something here but I just don’t know what to write. Or maybe how to write?

Rev. Barnabas asked us today if we had a best friend (directed at those who are single) and I just said no. Without hesitation, without awkwardness or any emotion whatsoever. I think I’ve done a post like this before. I don’t have a best friend. But then again, what is a best friend? What is a good friend? Maybe I just have friends and some are closer than others. You know how we always say that a friend is someone who will listen to us, offer advice, a shoulder, a gentle shove…etc. Truth being told I think that’s what a primary school kid wants. I want someone who will confide in me as much as I would confide in him/her. I trust easily (good of bad, you decide) and sometimes I yearn for that person to do the same for me. For them to come to me when they’re in need and pour out their hearts. I want to listen too. But I find so many of my friendships are only deep on one end – mine. So I’ve learned to back off. I’ll probe a few times, nudge you with my elbow, bombard you with just-asking- questions, but if you won’t talk without being asked then I’ll just leave. You’ll be but a mere acquaintance. Maybe it’s better that way?

Sometimes this leaves me at night lying on my bed crying out to God for an earthly companion in whom I may confide and find solace. Yes, I do talk to myself and try to reason with myself but to hear a voice other than my own… I’d listen so intently. Before I used to have a friend and I could just message her/him whenever something was troubling me. Be it a sleepless night, troubling thoughts, stress-laden school or even to just rejoice in a beautiful day! That’s the highlight. Many times I’ve left home and headed to school to be greeted by the clear blue sky, melodious birds, cool wind, feathery clouds and I stand in awe and worship God in the middle of the road. A part of me just wants to message a close friend and ask them to look out at the sky and rejoice with me. But there isn’t anyone. So I end up smiling like a lunatic and walking to the bus stop. But I’ve already been disappointed.

Oh, to have a friend in whom all matters could be addressed with ease. God, family, friends, life, troubles, joys, trivialities of human living…we’d talk for hours and cover all topics possible! I could be serious and in deep thought about my spiritual walk with God and His calling in my life and silly to no end at another. All with the same person. AND THEY COULD DO THE SAME WITH ME!!! In essence: I yearn for someone who will need/feel/love/want/search for me the way I do for them.

And maybe it sounds selfish so we place it under the long list of taboos. But I’m tired of taboos. We’re so aware and cautious of them that we’ve become these cold polite blocks of wood that don’t know the art of being direct and honest both with ourselves and others. So it’s supposed to be a balance of truth and grace and God forbid we ever lose our grace when we practice truth. Let us not trivialize either!

Oh God, that I may truly believe with every fiber of my body and soul that you are more than enough for me and no best/good friend could ever do what you have and will do for me. I need you Lord.

This world is empty, pale and poor compared to knowing you my Lord. Lead me on and I will run after you.

Psalm 121 & 1 Corinthians 12: 1-10((:

amyruth.xxoo

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