You are currently browsing the monthly archive for December 2009.

Yes I have deactivated my facebook account.

For now anyway.












(a picture I found from ages ago)



I’m the sort of person that the more frustrated I get, the more I talk, the more I can’t stay still, the more snappy I get, the less I smile and the more I frown. That’s been me for the past weeks. Yes, momentarily I may be well occupied with other tasks at hand and spare not a thought for the very issue and crisis that seems to almost control the central direction of my thoughts.

They say I’ve planted the seed and I can’t keep watering it. Apparently I’ve watered it enough and if I overdo it, it’ll be as damned as it being scorched by the sun. My problem? I’m never too sure if I’ve really planted the seed. But like the sermon said today (though you probably didn’t get it), we place the word and message of God on the surface of the person’s heart and wait for the heart to break. Once broken, the message will just drop in. But maybe I’m getting so desperate that I’d take a sledge-hammer and try to smash your heart open. Now we all know that would be beyond disastrous and quite irreversible. I need to trust. Trust and trust and trust to no end in a God that is quite endless and whose ways go on for eternity even if we may never see the results. Place the message, plant the seed, water a little and walk away.

In the end, as Becca said, love is quite the irrational bugger we have in our lives. The absolute basic necessity but can also be the thing that gets us running around like headless chickens; the stage at which I, if not already immersed in, may be advancing towards at a rather alarming rate.

Talk – it’s getting cheaper and cheaper.


It’s crazy. It’s just crazy the number of times in a day I have to remind myself you’re gone.

You’re not here.

You’re just not here.


You see now, I want to be there for you. I want to encourage you. The thing is, I encourage others through verses. Not the cliché “hang in there buddy”, “you’re trying your best, it’s ok” or “I’m here for you if you need anything”. Yes, those things can be true and relevant at times. But I do for others the things that I like done to me. Just like what Little Grey did for Sloan. Got into bed and stroked his head because, well, that’s what she liked done for her when she was hurt.

So, if I could, and if I didn’t feel like I’d be crossing the line, I’d message you tonnes of verses. But a part of me is pulling back because that’s not what you want. And right now, what I want is inconsequential. So I have to throw my hands up in the air and just stand at the sidelines to cheer you on. This time, you’ve got to do it with God. You and him. One on one. There are many, many people who want to carry that load for you, clean that slate you’ve made a mess of for you. But we can’t. Trust me, there are more people rooting for you to succeed than you realise. If you see this, maybe you’d kick yourself into gear and get a move on.

So as you travel this road and try to “re-build” your life, just know you’ve got a pretty massive group of people feverently praying and interceding for you. And if you ever need anything, they’d be the first to swim to you with the life buoy and not just throw you the ring and ask you to swim back on your own. (:

As for me, I’ll be living each day as it comes ensuring that all I do glorifies God as best it can. And if something happens the next day, or the next, or whenever, I’ll take it as it comes. For he knows the plans he has for me. He’ll never leave nor forsake me. And my hope is built on nothing less than his promises to me.

He promises the same to you.(:


It’s so easy to say I’ve got faith. It’s so easy to say I trust God. It’s so easy to say I’ll wait. It’s so easy to say so many things. I have faith, I do trust and I will wait on God and for you. But when the humdrum of life gets to me, just getting from day to day is like wrestling with all my ribs fractured. I just want to give up, throw in the trowel, scream in pain and run away. But anyone who knows me well enough knows that quitting is never an option. You’d have to force me to give up something; to let go; to let God.

Many consider that a strength. My determination, my purpose-driven agenda, my stubborness. But when it comes to matters that I need to wholly hand over to God, it’s my greatest weakness. I don’t give up. I keep holding on and it hurts God, others and me.

I don’t know where that line is. The line that we cross from mere words to actions that are a strong translation of those seemingly weighty words. I don’t know. But I do know I need to find it soon. Really soon.
It’s so easy to be smiley me. To be known as the girl who has it all together and everything going for her. But I’m not. It’s fake. And I manage to make myself believe it at times too. Why?! Pride is probably the answer. But this pride won’t let me change my ways either. It’s like the chicken and egg thing. Just keeps going round in circles.

So maybe, I think, the coward isn’t you.

It’s me. I’m the coward and I don’t know what to do.


You can’t help respecting anybody who can spell TUESDAY, even if he doesn’t spell it right; but spelling isn’t everything. There are days when spelling Tuesday simply doesn’t count.


I don’t want to go to church on my own. I know it’s for God. But friends. I want to be with my friends. I want to be with you. I don’t like being alone. I don’t like having to meet new people, make new “friends” and make small talk. It’s plastic. I’ve done enough plastic. I do it so much of the time even I’m getting sick of it.

I know. I’m an adult now and I should do this stuff. I should go out and do things on my own. God, just remind me please? That even if I sit alone on a pew in church and listen to the preacher, you’re with me. You’re right with me all the time. Cos I don’t want to be alone. I don’t.

It’s just too scary.



He’ll never leave me. He told me so.

No reason to doubt.