It’s so easy to say I’ve got faith. It’s so easy to say I trust God. It’s so easy to say I’ll wait. It’s so easy to say so many things. I have faith, I do trust and I will wait on God and for you. But when the humdrum of life gets to me, just getting from day to day is like wrestling with all my ribs fractured. I just want to give up, throw in the trowel, scream in pain and run away. But anyone who knows me well enough knows that quitting is never an option. You’d have to force me to give up something; to let go; to let God.

Many consider that a strength. My determination, my purpose-driven agenda, my stubborness. But when it comes to matters that I need to wholly hand over to God, it’s my greatest weakness. I don’t give up. I keep holding on and it hurts God, others and me.

I don’t know where that line is. The line that we cross from mere words to actions that are a strong translation of those seemingly weighty words. I don’t know. But I do know I need to find it soon. Really soon.
It’s so easy to be smiley me. To be known as the girl who has it all together and everything going for her. But I’m not. It’s fake. And I manage to make myself believe it at times too. Why?! Pride is probably the answer. But this pride won’t let me change my ways either. It’s like the chicken and egg thing. Just keeps going round in circles.

So maybe, I think, the coward isn’t you.

It’s me. I’m the coward and I don’t know what to do.

amyruth.xxoo

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